Non-Extreme Attitudes

Definition

In REBT, non-extreme attitudes are realistic evaluations of adversities that acknowledge badness without exaggeration. They include three main types: Non-Awfulising, Bearability, and Unconditional Self-Acceptance.

Where Extreme Attitudes exaggerate the badness, unbearability, or worthlessness of situations, non-extreme attitudes provide a realistic appraisal.

The Three Main Types of Non-Extreme Attitudes

1. Non-Awfulising Attitudes

Definition: Acknowledging that something is bad without viewing it as terrible, catastrophic, or worse than 100% bad.

Characteristics:

• Recognition that adversities are negative but manageable
• Acknowledgment that some good could come from bad events
• Understanding that setbacks, while difficult, are not total disasters
• Realistic perspective on difficulties

Examples:

• “It’s bad that I failed the test, but it’s not terrible”
• “It’s unfortunate they rejected me, but it’s not the end of the world”
• “This didn’t go as planned, but it’s not catastrophic”

Underlying flexible attitude:

• “I would prefer things go my way, but they don’t have to, and it’s bad but not awful when they don’t”

2. Bearability Attitudes

Definition: Conviction that you can tolerate and survive adversities; that while difficult, they won’t destroy you or permanently diminish your capacity for happiness.

Characteristics:

• Recognition that you can cope with difficulties
• Understanding that struggle doesn’t mean disintegration
• Belief in continued capacity for happiness despite adversity
• Sense of resilience and capability

Examples:

• “Being alone is difficult, but I can bear it”
• “Losing my job would be hard, but I could cope”
• “If they left me, I would struggle, but I wouldn’t lose my capacity for happiness”
• “Waiting for the results is uncomfortable, but I can tolerate it”

Components of bearability attitudes (as outlined by Windy Dryden):

1. Asserted struggle: “It will be difficult for me…”
2. Negated unbearability: “…but I could bear it…”
3. It’s worth it: “…and it would be worth bearing”
4. I’m worth it: “…and I’m worth bearing it for”
5. I’m willing: “…and I am willing to bear it”
6. I’m committed: “…and I am committed to bearing it”

Underlying flexible attitude:

• “I prefer comfort and want things to be easy, but they don’t have to be, and I can tolerate discomfort and adversity”

3. Unconditional Self-Acceptance / Acceptance Attitudes

Definition: Understanding that a person’s worth is not determined by achievements, failures, or how others treat them; that worth is inherent and unchanging.

Characteristics:

• Recognition that specific actions can be bad without making the person bad
• Understanding that worth doesn’t rise and fall with circumstances
• Self-acceptance despite flaws or failures
• Refusal to give global ratings to people (self or others)

Examples:

• “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me a failure”
• “They betrayed me, but that doesn’t make them wholly bad”
• “I’m not perfect, but I’m still a worthwhile person”
• “I failed this task, but my overall worth isn’t diminished”

Underlying flexible attitude:

• “I would prefer to succeed and be perfect, but I don’t have to be, and if I’m not, I’m still worthwhile”

How Non-Extreme Attitudes Arise

In REBT, non-extreme attitudes are typically understood as secondary, derived from Flexible Attitudes:

1. First comes the flexible attitude: “I would like to succeed, but I don’t have to”
2. When facing failure, non-extreme attitudes follow:
   • Non-awfulising: “It’s bad that I failed, but not awful”
   • Bearability: “It’s difficult, but I can bear it”
   • Self-acceptance: “I’m still a worthwhile person despite failing”

Characteristics of Non-Extreme Attitudes

All non-extreme attitudes share these features:

True: They are actually accurate. Adversities are generally less than 100% bad; people can bear difficulties; worth is not determined by single actions or outcomes.

Logical: It logically follows that because something is bad, you can still cope; because something is unfortunate, you can handle it; because you did something wrong, you’re not wholly worthless.

Constructive: They lead to Healthy Negative Emotions, coping, and adaptive problem-solving rather than avoidance and dysfunction.

Non-Extreme Attitudes vs. Extreme Attitudes

Aspect	Extreme Attitude	Non-Extreme Attitude
About badness	”It’s awful / terrible / unbearable"	"It’s bad / unfortunate / difficult, but bearable”
About tolerance	”I can’t bear it / I’d disintegrate"	"I can struggle with it and survive”
About worth	”This proves I’m wholly worthless"	"This is a failing, but I’m not a failure”
Reality alignment	Exaggerates negatively	Realistic appraisal
Emotional consequence	Anxiety, panic, despair, rage	Concern, sadness, disappointment, regret
Functionality	Leads to avoidance, shutdown, aggression	Leads to coping, adaptation, problem-solving
Future focus	”This will always be this way"	"I can learn and move forward”

The Distinction Between Accepting Difficulty and Accepting Worthlessness

An important distinction:

• Healthy: “This is difficult/bad, but I can cope, and my worth isn’t affected”
• Unhealthy: “This proves I’m worthless” (accepting an extreme evaluation)

Non-extreme attitudes always separate the situation from the person’s fundamental worth.

Why Non-Extreme Attitudes Matter Clinically

Non-extreme attitudes are key targets because:

1. They reduce emotional disturbance while maintaining motivation
2. They enable realistic problem-solving
3. They promote resilience and acceptance
4. They can be learned and practiced

Changing Extreme Attitudes to Non-Extreme Ones

The therapeutic process involves:

1. Identifying extreme attitudes (in thoughts, images, and core beliefs)
2. Examining them (Is it actually that bad? Can you really not bear it? Does this one thing define your whole worth?)
3. Developing alternatives — Non-Extreme Attitudes
4. Rehearsing non-extreme attitudes repeatedly (mentally and behaviorally)
5. Acting in ways consistent with them (facing difficulties instead of avoiding)
6. Building conviction through repeated exposure and success

Non-Extreme Attitudes in Different Frameworks

• REBT: Central focus; seen as derived from flexible attitudes; key therapeutic target
• CBT: May address as “realistic thinking” or “balanced perspective”
• ACT: May address through acceptance and values-aligned action
• CFT: Emphasizes compassion and self-kindness alongside realistic appraisal
• MBCT: Uses mindfulness to notice thoughts arising without judgment or fusion

The Gradualism of Non-Extreme Attitudes

Important clinical note: Non-extreme attitudes often develop gradually:

• Initially: “It’s bad, and I hate it, but I can bear it”
• With practice: “It’s bad, but it’s bearable, and I’m okay”
• With more practice: “It’s difficult, but it’s part of life, and I can handle it”

Conviction builds through repeated rehearsal and successful facing of adversity.

Related Concepts

See also: Non-Awfulising, Bearability, Unconditional Self-Acceptance, Extreme Attitudes, Flexible Attitudes, Healthy Negative Emotions, REBT, ABC Model.

Sources

• Windy Dryden: Dealing with Emotional Problems Using REBT: A Practitioner’s Guide (2nd ed., 2024) — Chapter 1: “Emotional Problems: Foundations and Healthy Alternatives”
• Albert Ellis: Foundational work on rational vs. irrational thinking