Unhealthy Regret

Definition

In REBT, unhealthy regret is an emotional problem arising from rigid/extreme attitudes toward past decisions or future uncertainty. It involves persistent rumination about “should have done differently” or paralysis about current decisions due to fear of making the wrong choice.

Unhealthy regret is distinguished from the healthy alternative, healthy regret, by:

• Rigid demands about having made (or needing to make) the “right” decision
• Rumination and self-criticism about past choices
• Indecision and avoidance of future choices
• Belief that you should have known things you couldn’t have known at the time

Core Inference Theme

Unhealthy regret involves three main themes:

Retrospective (past-focused):

• You took action in the past and wish you hadn’t
• You failed to take action in the past and wish you had

Prospective (future-focused):

• You face uncertainty about the consequences of decisions you might make now or in the future

Rigid/Extreme Attitudes Underlying Unhealthy Regret

Unhealthy regret is underpinned by a rigid attitude combined with extreme attitudes:

Rigid attitude (depending on theme):

• “I absolutely should not have taken that action” OR “I absolutely should have taken that action”
• “I must be certain that my decision will have a good outcome”
• “I must make the ‘right’ decision”

Extreme attitudes (derived from the rigid attitude):

1. Awfulising: “It’s terrible that I made that choice / will make a wrong choice”
2. Unbearability: “I can’t bear having made the wrong decision / the uncertainty”
3. Self-devaluation: “Making a wrong decision proves I’m stupid / incompetent”

Behaviours Associated with Unhealthy Regret

When experiencing unhealthy regret, people typically:

• Ruminate repeatedly — go over the past decision obsessively, looking for “what went wrong”
• Engage in “if-only” thinking — “If only I had done X, my life would be better”
• Delay decisions — postpone making choices by seeking more information or certainty
• Seek reassurance — ask others repeatedly whether they did the “right thing”
• Avoid responsibility — blame circumstances or others for the outcome
• Self-criticize — harshly judge themselves for not knowing what they couldn’t have known
• Indecisiveness — become paralyzed, unable to commit to a course of action

These behaviours maintain regret by preventing learning from the past or moving forward.

Thinking Associated with Unhealthy Regret

In retrospective regret:

• Certainty that they made the wrong decision (while lacking actual evidence)
• Belief that with more thought they could have known the right choice
• Conviction that if they had chosen differently, life would be better

In prospective regret:

• Searching obsessively for certainty about the “best” option
• Belief that more research or information will reveal the “right answer”
• Conviction that missing the “crucial” thing that would make the decision clear

All such thinking is ruminative and compulsive, preventing productive problem-solving.

Healthy Alternative: Healthy Regret

When the same inference themes are processed with flexible/non-extreme attitudes, the person experiences healthy regret instead:

Flexible attitude:

• “I would have preferred not to take that action, but I don’t absolutely have to have avoided it”
• “I want to make a good decision, but I don’t have to be certain about it”
• “I acted based on the information available to me at the time, which was the best I could do”

Non-extreme attitudes:

1. Non-awfulising: “It was a bad decision, but not terrible or catastrophic”
2. Bearability: “I can bear having made a mistake; I won’t disintegrate”
3. Self-acceptance: “Making a wrong decision doesn’t make me stupid; it makes me fallible and human”

Behaviours associated with healthy regret:

• Retrospective: Acknowledge what happened, learn from it, move forward without rumination
• Prospective: Review available evidence, make a decision based on probability (not certainty), commit to action
• Take initiative rather than waiting for certainty or reassurance
• Accept the risk inherent in decision-making

Thinking associated with healthy regret:

• Recognition that decisions are made with imperfect information
• Acceptance that you cannot know outcomes in advance
• Understanding that “wrong” decisions sometimes lead to unexpected goods
• Realistic assessment of whether a decision was actually wrong or just had negative consequences

Types of Unhealthy Regret in Clinical Practice

Windy Dryden identifies:

• Unhealthy retrospective regret: Persistent rumination about past decisions, self-blame, difficulty accepting fallibility
• Unhealthy prospective regret: Inability to make decisions due to uncertainty seeking, paralysis, avoidance of commitment

Both forms can be present in the same person across different life domains.

REBT Approach to Unhealthy Regret

The therapeutic process involves:

1. Identifying the specific regret theme (retrospective or prospective)
2. Identifying the three components of the regret response (emotional, behavioural, cognitive)
3. Setting goals around healthy regret and associated functional behaviours/thinking
4. Identifying and examining the rigid/extreme attitudes
5. Developing and strengthening conviction in flexible/non-extreme attitudes
6. Crucially: Taking action despite uncertainty (prospective) or accepting past fallibility without rumination (retrospective)

Common Clinical Challenges

• Hidden conceit: Believing oneself must make perfect decisions while accepting others’ fallibility
• Chronic regret: Chronically focusing on what’s not been achieved rather than what has
• Analysis paralysis: Endlessly seeking more information instead of deciding and acting
• Perfectionism: Demanding the “perfect” decision rather than a “good enough” one
• Rumination loops: Repetitive, unproductive thinking that prevents acceptance and closure

How Different Frameworks Treat Regret

• REBT: Focuses on demands for perfect decisions and certainty; emphasizes acceptance of fallibility and uncertainty
• CBT: May focus on decision-making skills and cognitive restructuring of past decisions
• ACT: Emphasizes acceptance of regret and values-aligned action despite uncertainty
• CFT: May address shame about having made mistakes
• MBCT: Uses mindfulness to observe regretful thoughts without judgment

Related Concepts

See also: Healthy Regret (the healthy alternative), Healthy Negative Emotions, Personal Domain, Inference Theme, Rigid Attitudes, Extreme Attitudes, Perfectionism.

Sources

• Windy Dryden: Dealing with Emotional Problems Using REBT: A Practitioner’s Guide (2nd ed., 2024) — Chapter 5: “Dealing with Unhealthy Regret”