Unhealthy Envy

Definition

In REBT, unhealthy envy is an emotional problem arising from comparing oneself unfavorably with others who possess something desired. It involves a rigid belief that you must have what others have and self-devaluation or demands for fairness if you don’t.

Unhealthy envy is distinguished from the healthy alternative, healthy envy, by:

• Rigid demands: “I must have what they have” or “It must be fair”
• Self-devaluation if lacking the desired object/quality
• Belief that possessing the object would solve happiness or self-worth problems
• Competitive focus on others rather than genuine desire
• Persistent focus on what you don’t have rather than what you do

Core Inference Theme

Unhealthy envy involves:

• Someone else has something you want and value
• You don’t have it (or have less of it)
• You compare yourself unfavorably to this person

The content can be:

• Object-based (possessions, status symbols, achievements)
• Person-based (intelligence, attractiveness, social standing, relationships)

Rigid/Extreme Attitudes Underlying Unhealthy Envy

Unhealthy envy is underpinned by a rigid attitude combined with extreme attitudes:

Rigid attitude (depending on type):

• “I must have what they have” or “I absolutely should have it too”
• “It must be fair if they have it and I don’t”
• “I must not be less than them”

Extreme attitudes (derived from the rigid attitude):

1. Awfulising (object-focused): “It’s terrible/unfair that they have what I don’t”
2. Unbearability (object-focused): “I can’t bear not having what others have; it’s intolerable”
3. Devaluation (person-focused ego envy): “If they have what I want and I don’t, they’re worthier/better than me”
4. Demands for fairness (person-focused non-ego envy): “It must not be unfair; unfairness is unbearable”

Behaviours Associated with Unhealthy Envy

When experiencing unhealthy envy, people typically:

• Focus on what they don’t have — constantly notice what others possess
• Minimize what they do have — dismiss their own possessions/achievements
• Compare themselves to others — competitive focus on those who have more
• Seek to acquire — pursue possessions obsessively, believing ownership will fix the problem
• Devalue others — criticize those who have what they want
• Seek to spoil — in some cases, sabotage or diminish what others have
• Seek reassurance — ask others to validate that they’re not “less than”
• Flirtation/competition (in person-based envy) — attempt to “win” what others have

These behaviours maintain envy by perpetuating the focus on lacking and the belief that acquisition will solve the problem.

Thinking Associated with Unhealthy Envy

• Overestimation of how important the envied object/quality is
• Conviction that possessing it would dramatically improve life
• Belief that possession determines worth or happiness
• Focus on what others have rather than realistic assessment of its value
• Assumption that the other person is happier because they have it
• Distorted belief that life is “unfair” in specific ways
• Forgetting past acquisitions that didn’t solve the envy problem

Healthy Alternative: Healthy Envy

When the same inference themes are processed with flexible/non-extreme attitudes, the person experiences healthy envy instead:

Flexible attitude:

• “I would like to have what they have, but I don’t have to have it”
• “It would be nice if things were fair, but fairness isn’t a law of the universe”
• “If they have something I want, I can acknowledge that and still value myself”

Non-extreme attitudes:

1. Non-awfulising: “It’s unfortunate they have what I want and I don’t, but it’s not terrible”
2. Bearability: “I can bear not having what others have; I can still be happy without it”
3. Unconditional self-acceptance: “If they have what I want and I don’t, they have more in that area, but we’re equal in worth”
4. Realistic fairness: “Unfairness exists in life; it’s difficult to tolerate but I can do so, and it’s worth it”

Behaviours associated with healthy envy:

• Appreciate what they do have
• Pursue desired objects/qualities based on genuine interest, not competitive need
• Make realistic decisions about whether pursuit is worthwhile
• Accept that they may never have what others have
• Focus on personal values rather than comparative status
• Allow the other person to have their possessions/qualities without diminishment of self

Thinking associated with healthy envy:

• Realistic assessment of how important the desired object/quality truly is
• Recognition that possessing it may or may not improve life significantly
• Understanding that worth is not determined by possessions or achievements
• Ability to appreciate others’ good fortune without self-diminishment
• Realistic cost-benefit analysis of pursuing what’s desired

Types of Unhealthy Envy in Clinical Practice

Windy Dryden identifies several forms based on what’s envied and the attitude:

• Object-focused ego envy: Envy of possessions with belief that having them would prove worth
• Object-focused non-ego envy: Envy of possessions with belief that they’re necessary for happiness
• Person-focused ego envy: Envy of another person’s qualities with belief that having them would make you worthier/more lovable
• Person-focused non-ego envy: Envy with focus on unfairness of the other having what you want

REBT Approach to Unhealthy Envy

The therapeutic process involves:

1. Identifying the specific envy theme (object vs. person, ego vs. non-ego)
2. Identifying the three components of the envy response (emotional, behavioural, cognitive)
3. Setting goals around healthy envy and associated functional behaviours/thinking
4. Identifying and examining the rigid/extreme attitudes
5. Developing and strengthening conviction in flexible/non-extreme attitudes
6. Crucially: Examining the actual value and necessity of what’s envied; rethinking the role of possessions in life and self-worth

Common Clinical Challenges

• Chronic envy: Habitually focusing on what’s lacked rather than what’s owned
• Hidden conceit: Belief that one “deserves” things others have
• Acquisitions that don’t satisfy: Obtaining envied items, only to lose interest and focus on something new
• Relationship damage: Envy can drive competitive behaviors that harm relationships
• Self-esteem entanglement: Confusing possession/achievement with personal worth
• Perpetual striving: Always chasing the next thing rather than appreciating what’s present

How Different Frameworks Treat Envy

• REBT: Focuses on rigid demands and self-worth issues; emphasizes unconditional self-acceptance and realistic valuing of possessions
• CBT: May focus on behavioral experiments and cognitive restructuring of worth beliefs
• ACT: Emphasizes values clarification and acceptance of envy while pursuing genuinely valued goals
• CFT: May address shame about envy and self-compassion
• MBCT: Uses mindfulness to observe envious thoughts and sensations without judgment

Related Concepts

See also: Healthy Envy (the healthy alternative), Unconditional Self-Acceptance, Personal Domain, Inference Theme, Rigid Attitudes, Extreme Attitudes, Self-Worth.

Sources

• Windy Dryden: Dealing with Emotional Problems Using REBT: A Practitioner’s Guide (2nd ed., 2024) — Chapter 10: “Dealing with Unhealthy Envy”