Hurt

Definition

In REBT, hurt is an unhealthy negative emotion (UNE) arising from a perception that someone has treated you unfairly (when you feel you don’t deserve it) or devalued your relationship with them. It is characterized by withdrawal, sulking, and feelings of rejection.

Hurt is distinguished from the healthy alternative, sorrow, by:

• The presence of rigid/extreme attitudes about fairness and reciprocity
• Withdrawal and communication shutdown
• Rumination about past perceived betrayals
• An expectation that the other must make the first move toward repair

Core Inference Theme

When hurt, people typically perceive:

• Unfair treatment: Others treat you badly despite you not deserving such treatment
• Relationship devaluation: Someone indicates their relationship with you matters less to them than it does to you
• Lack of reciprocity: Your investment in the relationship is not matched

Rigid/Extreme Attitudes Underlying Hurt

Hurt is underpinned by a rigid attitude combined with extreme attitudes:

Rigid attitude (depending on theme):

• “My friend/partner must not treat me unfairly”
• “They must value our relationship as much as I do”
• “Others must reciprocate my care and loyalty”

Extreme attitudes (derived from the rigid attitude):

1. Awfulising: “It’s terrible that they treated me this way / don’t care as much”
2. Unbearability (‘poor me’ hurt): “I can’t stand being treated this way; it’s unbearable”
3. Self-devaluation (‘less me’ hurt): “If they don’t value me as much, it proves I’m unworthy / unlovable”

Behaviours Associated with Hurt

When hurt, people typically:

• Withdraw communication — stop talking to the person who hurt them
• Sulk — make it obvious they’re hurt without disclosing details
• Avoid the person — keep distance and distance themselves emotionally
• Indirect punishment — criticize or punish the person indirectly
• Ruminate — focus on past hurts and perceived slights
• Seek reassurance — wait for the other to apologize and make first move

These behaviours maintain the hurt by preventing dialogue and repair.

Thinking Associated with Hurt

Distorted thinking patterns:

• Overestimating the unfairness of what happened
• Assuming the person doesn’t care or is indifferent
• Seeing oneself as alone, uncared for, or misunderstood
• Dwelling on previous occasions of hurt
• Expecting the other person to take full responsibility for repair

Both types of thinking are distorted and maintain the hurt.

Healthy Alternative: Sorrow

When the same inference themes are processed with flexible/non-extreme attitudes, the person experiences sorrow instead:

Flexible attitude:

• “I would prefer not to be treated unfairly, but that doesn’t mean I must never be”
• “I want them to value our relationship equally, but they don’t have to”

Non-extreme attitudes:

1. Non-awfulising: “It’s bad that they treated me this way, but not terrible”
2. Bearability (‘non-pity based sorrow’): “I can bear this; it’s difficult but not unbearable”
3. Unconditional acceptance: “If they don’t value me equally, that’s unfortunate, but it doesn’t make me unworthy”

Behaviours associated with sorrow:

• Communicate feelings directly and respectfully
• Request fairer treatment
• Take the initiative toward repair
• Remain open to understanding their perspective

Thinking associated with sorrow:

• Realistic appraisal of what happened
• Recognition that the person acted badly, not that they don’t care
• Understanding that being hurt doesn’t mean being alone
• Openness to dialogue and reconnection

Types of Hurt in Clinical Practice

Windy Dryden identifies two primary forms based on inference themes:

• Fair treatment-based hurt: Stemming from being treated badly when believing you don’t deserve it
• Relationship devaluation hurt: Stemming from perceiving someone values the relationship less than you do

Both forms can involve ego-based (‘less me’ — devaluing oneself) or non-ego-based (‘poor me’ — awfulising the situation).

REBT Approach to Hurt

The therapeutic process involves:

1. Identifying the specific hurts and themes (unfair treatment vs. devaluation)
2. Identifying the three components of the hurt response (emotional, behavioural, cognitive)
3. Setting goals around sorrow and associated functional behaviours/thinking
4. Identifying and examining the rigid/extreme attitudes
5. Developing and strengthening conviction in flexible/non-extreme attitudes
6. Crucially: Taking risks with relationships while holding flexible attitudes; facing people and communicating sorrow rather than withdrawing

Common Clinical Challenges

• Communication shutdown: The withdrawal prevents repair and perpetuates hurt
• Hidden conceit: Seeing oneself as more deserving or more fair than others
• Past hurt accumulation: Each new hurt adds to a backlog, making current situations feel more severe
• All-or-nothing thinking: Either the person cares completely or doesn’t care at all
• Safety-seeking isolation: Keeping distance from people “to avoid being hurt again”

How Different Frameworks Treat Hurt

• REBT: Focuses on rigid/extreme attitudes about fairness and reciprocity; emphasizes facing the relationship with flexible attitudes
• CBT: May focus on communication skills and behavioral activation
• ACT: Emphasizes acceptance of hurt feelings and values-aligned relationship behavior
• CFT: May address shame or self-blame underpinning the hurt
• MBCT: Uses mindfulness to observe hurt feelings without judgment

Related Concepts

See also: Sorrow (the healthy alternative), Reciprocity, Personal Domain, Inference Theme, REBT, ABC model, Rigid Attitudes, Extreme Attitudes.

Sources

• Windy Dryden: Dealing with Emotional Problems Using REBT: A Practitioner’s Guide (2nd ed., 2024) — Chapter 7: “Dealing with Hurt”