Ask David: What’s the best way to do Positive Reframing? Is the “20 Qualities I’m Looking for in an Ideal Mate” reliable? And, How can I tell if someone I’m dating is REALLY honest, loyal, and faithful? The answers to today’s questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question.
Julia asks: is it more important to do positive reframing on feelings (anxiety, anger, frustration) rather than on specific thoughts («I should be calmer»)? Charlotte asks: What’s the best way to use the “20 Qualities I’m looking for in an ideal mate?” Charlotte also asks: What’s the best way to find out if someone you’re dating is going to be loyal, faithful, and honest?
Julia asks: is it more important to do positive reframing on feelings (anxiety, anger, frustration) rather than on specific thoughts («I should be calmer»)? Dear David and Rhonda,
I listened today to the Podcast 460 on The fear of Happiness. What a wonderful podcast! I love the deeper dives on one topic and especially when you focus on discussing positive reframing.
If Rhonda felt like she didn’t do her best on the podcast, I definitely was struggling a lot even on coming up with positives for Thomas. And It’s been some years since I positively reframe my feelings!
Here is my question:
Why is it more important to do positive reframing on feelings (anxiety, anger, frustration) rather than on specific thoughts («I should be calmer»)?
I always find it easier and more helpful for myself to positively reframe the specific thoughts rather than the feelings. I specifically see the reason why a thought is both serving me and saying something so awesome about me and my core values. It usually elevates my mood and my overthinking on the spot.
On the other hand doing it on feelings is also very helpful but can remain sometimes on the general level. It still speaks truly to me and I confirm every value but is less poignant than specific thoughts.
Thank you both so much for such a wonderful podcast!
All the best,
Julia from Italy
David’s Response
Thanks, will add this to the next Ask David list. Great question!
One thing to keep in mind is that you can do Positive Reframing on anything: a thought, a distortion, an emotion, a behavior, and more. So, the answer is, “it all depends!”
On the podcast, we can try to figure out what it all depends on, so we have a systematic way of thinking about this great question.
But part of the answer will be, “whatever works for you.” The PR of a thought is more specific and unique to you, so that’s a plus for including thoughts along with some of the feelings. The feelings are great because they are relatively easy, if you know how to PR them, and the impact can be enormous and, of course, beneficial.
Warmly, david
Charlotte asks: What’s the best way to use the “20 Qualities I’m looking for in an ideal mate?” Is this tool reliable? Charlotte also asks: What’s the best way to find out if someone you’re dating is going to be loyal, faithful, and honest? Dear David and dear Rhonda,
I love the Podcast so much! It has come with me the last 2 years almost every week and its been incredibly helpful both as a therapist to be and as a human being doing this crazy thing called life!
You two put so much of your heart into it and I am beyond grateful for all your hard work and what you give to all of us for free every week of the year. I don’t know where I would be without TEAM and what I know for sure is I never wanna live without TEAM and this beautiful community of kind, funny and big hearted people anymore.
Big thanks to both of you and Matt May and all the people who agreed to publish their personal work. Those episodes are extra special for me and always help me overcome my own struggles even more!
Hugs from Berlin, Germany
Charlotte
I also have a question regarding your episodes around Dating. OMG I can’t tell you how helpful they were for me. I am going through a pretty painful break up right now and these episodes gave me so many tips for my future endeavors of dating to find a life partner! So, I would be more than thrilled about another or more podcasts going through that topic!
I have two questions regarding Dating that came up for me along the way:
There is this sheet I use often and was mentioned called “20 qualities in a partner.” I love this and rated all my exes in hindsight and also people I dated e.g. my then boyfriend. My boyfriend got a way higher score than my exes at the time and now that we are broken up I reviewed that list. Knowing what I know now the score changed quite a bit which confused me a lot. Now I am wondering how reliable this list is especially if you don’t know the person very well in the beginning. How do you handle this list when you’re on your first date—let’s say—and…
Transcript
0:07 · Hello and welcome to the Feeling Good podcast [music] where you can learn powerful techniques to change the way you feel. I am your host Dr. Rhonda Baravski and joining me here in the Muretta studio is Dr. David Burns. Dr.
0:20 · Burns is a pioneer in the development of cognitive behavioral therapy and the creator of the new team therapy. He’s the author of Feeling Good, which has sold over 5 million copies in the United States [music] and has been translated into over 30 languages. His latest book, Feeling Great, contains powerful new techniques [music] that make rapid recovery possible for many people struggling with depression and anxiety.
0:43 · Dr. Burns is currently an ammeritus adjunct professor of clinical psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine.
0:51 · [laughter] Hello. Hello.
0:56 · Rhonda. Hello, Matt. [laughter] Hello, David.
1:02 · Hello, David. And welcome to all of our listeners wherever you are. This is the Feeling Good podcast, episode 474.
1:11 · You heard David Burns there and Matt May. So, this must be another Ask David episode. And indeed it is. And I do have a beautiful endorsement to start the podcast episode with. This is from Monica and she’s writing you from Canada and she said, “Thank you for sharing the information with us. How wonderfully transparent you are in the podcasts. I love the funny lighthearted greetings. You sound silly and Rhonda always laughs. It’s marvelous.
1:45 · My favorite podcast of all of the feeling great pod feeling good podcasts is the Ask David episodes because it seems to me you all always bring it to life with the role playing. Thank you so much for the podcasts as always. I so appreciate your work and I’m living a better life thanks to you all. Cheers, Monica.
2:07 · Thank you, Monica. [laughter] Yeah. What a beautiful statement. Thank you so much. [clears throat] All right.
2:19 · Great to be back with with you um with you both. Thank you, Rhonda.
2:23 · Yeah, it’s so awesome to have you, Matt. It’s really fun to be back on. So, let’s dive into Julia who asked about the importance of doing positive reframing on feelings versus specific thoughts. Dear David, and after the first sentence, I have a quick comment to make.
2:41 · Okay.
2:43 · Dear David and Rhonda, I listened today to the podcast 460 on the fear of happiness.
2:52 · You can do the second sentence.
2:54 · What a wonderful podcast.
2:58 · Yeah.
2:58 · Yeah. And uh and and I just want to mention that I heard from that person because we tried to point the the arrow and he I can’t remember the details, but he gave me sent me a very um I’m I I hope I copied it to to you guys, but a very excited email that we were right on target and whatever we had suggested.
3:19 · I think the hidden emotion technique uh just blew his mind and and opened the door and uh it it it was very exciting and the only reason I mentioned that is because sometimes we go in like we might right now on on Julia’s question or someone else’s question and it’s it’s just so nice to see when we when we when we talk about a a problem someone’s got and are hunches and then that turns out to be pure gold for them.
3:49 · It It means a lot to us. But anyway, back to what you were doing so wonderfully well, Rhonda.
3:56 · [laughter] Well, here’s more from Julia. She writes, “I love the deeper dives on one topic and especially when you focus on discussing positive reframe. If Rhonda felt like she didn’t do her best on that podcast, I definitely was struggling a lot even on coming up with positives for Thomas. And it’s been some years since I’ve positively reframed my feelings.
4:19 · Here is my question. Why is it more important to do positive reframing on feelings such as anxiety, anger, sadness, frustration rather than on specific thoughts such as I should be calmer? So why is it more important to do positive reframing on feelings rather than on specific I always find it easier and more helpful for myself to positively reframe the specific thoughts rather than the feelings. I specifically see the reason why a thought is both serving me and saying something so awesome about me and my core values.
4:48 · It usually elevates my mood and my overthinking on the spot. On the other hand, doing positive reframing on feelings is also very helpful but can remain sometimes on the general level. It still speaks to me. It still truly speaks to me and I confirm every value but it’s less poignant than specific thoughts. Thank you both and Matt May for such a wonderful podcast. All the best, Julia.
5:17 · Great. From Italy from So I’ll give you guys first first shot at this and then I’ll I’ve I’ve given it some thought. I’ll I’ll give you my thinking at the end.
5:29 · Sure.
5:29 · I I mean I David I remember when you first introduced the the this exercise of positive reframing and how it kind of revolutionized the thinking about you know mental health and to shift a gear from seeing it as a disorder that we would label like but really to actually understand why we can feel proud of the symptoms that we have if we’re feeling depressed that there’s a beautiful part of our values being being expressed or if we’re feeling anxious It shows how much we’re caring about people.
6:00 · And I I think maybe that’s part of the answer is that we want to start to realize that our feelings are awesome and they say wonderful things about us rather than uh trying to rather than feeling ashamed of our feeling states. So that might be one one part of the the answer. Um, I find it I find it easier in positive reframing to just have a basic playbook to know what feelings are attached to what values. Uh, that’s been helpful for me.
6:32 · Like anxiety is always about something we care about deeply that we don’t want to go badly. Um, or anger is about protecting someone we love and care about or a cause that we care about. Um, but I also like having the thoughts there so we have a little bit more I think the thoughts help us identify the values more clearly. Um, and oftentimes the the value is expressed right there in the thought. Um, but I think it’s a brilliant method, David, and it’s helped me and so many so many of my patients.
7:06 · Thank you. the um um u I I I love your your answer that both can be helpful and I’ll spit out mine second and I’ll give you the last word Rhonda. Um but um J Jeremy chimed in on this. You know, the uh CEO of our feeling great app company and someone you both know very well.
7:25 · And he he he said that he he’s been using uh you know practicing what we preach here and using the daily mood log and and doing a lot of positive reframing when he’s been upset. And he says that the thoughts are are are much more powerful to him. And of course he’s working with our feeling great app too too at the same time that the that the thoughts are unique to him. And so it gives it much more specific power.
7:56 · Whereas the feelings can be the danger is that it might sound kind of generic and kind of miss the boat of what why it really is a good thing that that the person is upset in in in a variety of ways. And uh but
8:15 · when I work with Jill on and and we always get blowway uh results in two hours when we’re working with somebody, we always uh do a lot of the of the feelings and for some reason it it seems to work really well and we’ll we’ll often do a a thought or two at the end.
8:36 · But I think Jeremy’s idea to start putting, you know, the greater emphasis on the on the thoughts might make it more individual and help more people see really why they’re they’re up upset and and why that those reasons that they’re upset are actually actually a good thing because there are so many different thoughts you can have but only, you know, seven or eight or 10 negative feelings. So, so you have a much bigger vocabulary to to work with when you’re positively reframing thoughts.
9:06 · Uh, but but but they’re both good. And and and another thing I want to mention is you can positively frame anything. You can also do positive reframing for distortion like overgeneralization or all or nothing thinking. We’re used to thinking of those as bad, but they’re actually uh you know something positive and beautiful and and and awesome. Where would the world be without overgeneralization or generalizations?
9:35 · That’s what biologists do. They categorize things into categories. Le leaves and flowers and bacteria and and uh you know and and all kinds of things and generalization is what science is all about. Finding the the general laws of of nature and and and so forth. So, uh, even a so-called cognitive distortion, uh, can have a lot of positivity that that’s hidden hidden within it.
10:05 · That’s really cool, David. I just learned something. Thank you.
10:10 · Especially when I’m working with a new client who’s never done a daily mood log before, I always start with positively reframing feelings because our thoughts are what drive our feelings. We want to see what it is about our feelings that say really awesome things about us or speak to our core values or give us some kind of advantage. But it is also true that it’s more generic. Like for example, anxiety is very often motivating for everyone or many people.
10:35 · So perhaps it’s it is common that one a beautiful thing it says about someone who feels anxious is that they’re motivated. Um, and so once we positively reframe the general feelings, we may not need to positively frame feelings again, but every time you do a daily mood log, your thoughts might be different. And your thoughts are completely unique to you and the situation you’re in.
11:03 · So then if for future daily mood logs, you might say, well, what do you think about these feelings? Are they do are they is it the same positive reframe than we’ve done before? And then we Yes. Most of the time people say yes, maybe there’s a few variations and then we move into positively reframing the thoughts of that particular situation that’s causing them distress.
11:26 · That that that’s that’s a good answer.
11:28 · Thank you for for that, both of you. I think the uh the biggest problem with positive reframing, the challenge that therapists have is is that it’s we’re looking for an aha experience, not something generic, right? and and and we want to see why in each person’s unique experience their suffering is showing something totally awesome.
11:53 · And often you can’t get it uh from a list of what the positives about the different emotions you that’s lazy thinking if you’re the therapist. You have to be able to see something the patient hasn’t seen. And I can remember when we were working with uh with Sunny and he he had become very anxious again.
12:17 · And we did this was one one of our our podcasts and um and he had tried positive reframing uh you know the the good things about his anxiety and his guilt and his shame and and and all of that. and but he he he couldn’t talk back to his negative thoughts and and he couldn’t see what was what was really good good about it at all and and and so everything was falling flat. I don’t know if you remember.
12:48 · And then it occurred to me in this in the session to to say, “Oh, Sunny, can you see why it’s it’s really totally awesome and anxious that you’re uh or or awesome that you’re anxious again?” uh because he was telling himself he’s one of the world’s top experts in anxiety and he’s been through two or three anxious crises in his life and he should be over it by now and he should be able to to to to get out of it.
13:16 · Can can any of can either of you remember what what what I came up with or that what we came up with that suddenly gave him the aha experience?
13:30 · No.
13:32 · Do you I can I can make a guess. So the thought was I I should be over it.
13:38 · Yeah, I should. Why am I so anxious again? You know, I I thought I’d gotten I was anxious when I came out in Hong Kong as as being gay when I was young.
13:50 · That was a huge huge thing when he when he ca came out. He was terribly anxious and got out of that. And then he he got very anxious when he decided to switch his career from a Silicon Valley, you know, high high-tech high salary that he wanted to get a uh you know, a clinical social work license so so he could help people. And and that was another moment of huge huge panic for him and he got over that. And then just just recently uh he had uh another huge uh attack of of anxiety.
14:27 · One thing one knowing Sunonny I would imagine he that’s connected to a value of wanting to have sustained kind of progress in his life uh without uh interruption but to be at his very very best actually to help others uh and to that calmness he’d want to be able to bring into the world so that other people could benefit uh from from that.
14:50 · That that’s a good a good guess. Do you have any guesses Rhonda?
14:56 · Well, I think it shows how much he cares about people and his his dedication to others that he’s continuing to feel anxious.
15:02 · And see, those are beautiful, generic, positive reframes, but would not have done him an iota of good because it it missed it missed the point. And we were all missing the point until it came to me. And and that’s that the every time you’ve been anxious, it’s because you’ve decided to go in a radically new direction with your life. And that and that scared you.
15:26 · And this time it was brought on by he decided he was going to go down to working half time and and spending the other halfime doing family things and enjoying himself. But again, that freaked him out made him anxious. Well, now I’m violating society’s norms again. And so it was really showing that that he was uh being courageous again.
15:54 · and and and and and again, it’s kind of like what you said, Matt, but not quite the the flare of it, but but growing and learning and doing some something new and exciting with with his life. And as soon as he saw that that then he was able to knock his negative thoughts out of the park and go into enlightenment again in a matter of minutes. But it it if we had just done a normal uh kind of positive reframing thing, which we had done and he had done and all the people in our group had done it, it it it didn’t hit the mark at all.
16:26 · And so uh sometimes you’ve got to see something that that’s invisible right now to to to the patient. You you you and then once it comes out, everything becomes suddenly clear. Yeah, I hear I hear you on that, David. I I think you’re exactly right. And it’s it can be like looking for a needle in a hay stack.
16:50 · Yeah.
16:51 · Or a lateral thinking problem. It’s something we have to spend time with and it it can it can actually consume a good deal of time in therapy to do that. Uh but it’s so valuable when you when you see it and it becomes in a way it becomes a hidden emotion come to life. It was there. Yeah. Kind of like good. That’s a good analogy, Rhonda. Well, let’s go on to another question. We might be able to do two this this podcast rather than just one.
17:19 · [laughter] Charlotte asks two questions, so let’s put them both in. Her first question was, “What’s the best way to use the table you designed, you created, 20 qualities I’m looking for, an ideal mate? Is this tool reliable?” And she also asked, “What’s the best way to find out if someone you’re dating is going to be loyal, faithful, and honest?” Dear David and dear Rhonda, I love the podcast so much.
17:44 · It has come with me the last two years almost every week, and it’s been incredibly helpful both as a therapist to be and as a human being during this crazy thing called life. You two put so much of your heart into the podcast and I’m beyond grateful for all your hard work and what you give to all of us for free every week of the year. I don’t know where I’d be without team.
18:08 · And what I know for sure is I never want to live without team and this beautiful committee community of kind, funny, and big-hearted people anymore. Big thanks to both of you and to Matt May and all the people who agree to publish their personal work. Those episodes are extra special for me and always help me overcome my own struggles even more.
18:30 · Hugs from Berlin.
18:32 · Charlotte, I also have a question regarding your episodes around dating.
18:36 · Oh my god, I can’t tell you how helpful they were for me. I’m going through a pretty painful breakup right now and these episodes gave me so many tips for my future endeavors of dating to find a life partner. So, I would be more than thrilled about another or more podcasts going through that topic. I have two questions regarding dating. They came up for me along the way.
19:00 · There is a sheet I use often and it was mentioned called 20 qualities in a partner. I love this and rated all my exes in hindsight and also people I dated. For example, my then boyfriend. My boyfriend got a way higher score than my exes at the time. And now that we’re broking up, I reviewed that list.
19:21 · Knowing what I know now, the score changed quite a bit, which confused me a lot. Now I’m wondering how reliable this list is, especially if you don’t know the person very well in the beginning.
19:33 · How do you handle this list when you’re on your first date, let’s say, and barely know that person? It’s hard to rate someone on availability, loyalty, honesty, and so forth when you don’t know them yet. Is there a trick you can do to find that out quicker? And do you recommend to review that list after every date and see if you can rate them more realistically? Now, my second question is a bit similar. How can you slowly find out how trustworthy, empathic, honest, loyal, faithful a person is?
20:06 · Interestingly enough, since my score on both anxiety and depression is zero, for most of the time the last two years, I had two bad experiences in dating. Both my partners were unfaithful and dishonest about it, which is interesting for me because my two long-term boyfriends were at a time where at a time I was struggling with anxiety and both of them were very loyal, warm, faithful, and very much involved in our relationship. So, I feel like my anxiety motivated me to choose very carefully.
20:40 · And now that I’m doing really good in life and love being by myself and don’t need a relationship anymore, but want to have a life partner and marry eventually, I kind of seem to choose more poorly when it comes to partners. I hope my questions make sense. Warmly, Charlotte.
20:57 · Well, let’s take them one at a time. So, so easy for people to get confused and and overwhelmed. Um the first question is is the 20 qualities in a in a partner uh a reliable uh list? Uh and we’ll explain people what what it is first so that you’ll understand the the the question. It’s something I I first published in my book, Intimate Connections, and a lot of people have found it incredibly valuable uh who were involved in in dating.
21:30 · And essentially, uh you you make a list of if 20 or 25, whatever you prefer. Well, let’s keep it simple and say 20 things I’m looking for in an ideal partner. And uh for example, number one might be uh availability. In other words, uh dating someone who’s available might be uh more desirable than dating someone who’s un unavailable.
21:59 · And then so you you rate every category from 0 to five. And then you might have uh you know somebody uh who who is honest and uh would be one. And then someone who’s who’s loving and someone who’s who’s sexy and and someone with a a a good uh career and and and all the different things that that you’re looking for. And you rate people from from zero to to five. And so the total score will go from zero to 100.
22:31 · And and then you can have different criteria like if if the score is is is greater than uh you know 60 that they’re worthy of a date or two and and if the score is you know uh 65 you you might be willing to date them you know on several occasions and I think Beck said if you can find someone with a score of 70 or or above may marry them immediately.
22:58 · So, it it just kind of cool because you it it often puts people in perspective because you might be dwelling on, oh, well, this person is so attractive. They’ve got to be wonderful, but then they have a lot of other uh qualities.
23:15 · They’re they’re not faithful. They’re very self-centered. Uh, you know, they’re they’re they’re really not the the most fun or or rewarding person to to hang out with. And so, it kind of helps you get things in perspective. Now your question is is it reliable which means will you get the same ratings every time and no and it’s not supposed to be reliable in that sense and it would be a worthless scale and the idea is you you will learn more about people o over time and and you can re rerate them.
23:48 · It only takes five minutes to to rewrate them and add up the the score, but it helps you put put things in in in perspective and uh and and when scores change over time, that’s important information that might make you more or less uh interested in that particular person. So, I’ll turn it over to you two u on this thing.
24:12 · I’ve used this form or this tool a lot.
24:14 · Sometimes I don’t use it the way that you intended it. I’m sorry. But I use it for people who say, “Well, I don’t know what I want in a person.” And so we we use this to list the qualities that they’re looking for and how important they are. Like um yeah, like available is very important and funny might be very important, but for other people, funny might not be very important.
24:37 · Um, and I think the way Charlotte used it is really appropriate, like rating her past relationships, and I’ve done that too to see if there’s a pattern that someone hasn’t been engaging in that they might want to um think about continuing or think about might this pattern be important to break and go in a different direction.
25:07 · So, like somebody who has had three or four relationships and the person hasn’t been very available, that tells them something that maybe that’s a quality that they’re looking for that they haven’t found yet. And that’s something that when they start a new relationship should be more conscious of being aware of in the next person.
25:28 · Okay. You’re you’re you’re up to bat, Matt.
25:31 · Okay.
25:31 · Sorry, I missed a little bit of what what you said there, but I uh I remember when I first came across this method. It’s believe it’s described in intimate connections in your book, Intimate Connections, and I did the exercise just like you said to do it.
25:48 · But the thing that shocked me the most was that I think the scale was something like if someone gets a a 70% or higher, you should immediately marry them. Is that am I remembering that correctly? Yeah, something like that.
26:02 · Yeah.
26:02 · Yeah.
26:02 · Yeah. And you know, if we’re dating, I think you could make two errors. You could have too high a standards or two lowest standards. You could you could uh choose to be with someone and you’re not that compatible.
26:15 · Uh or you could uh miss out on someone who’s really awesome if you’re holding holding out for perfection or waiting waiting waiting for perfection. I think this method can help with that. And uh um in terms of how to how to do it, there are a lot of different ways of doing this.
26:35 · Uh the the way that it’s set up that you described there, you just list the 20 qualities can be slightly enhanced in my opinion if we also weight how important uh each of those qualities is on a scale from 0 to 10. So that the math is more like a weighted average.
26:55 · uh right now is that there’s sort of like a one value for each item. Uh and we’re measuring those on a scale from zero to five. So we’re we’re we’re pretending that each of those is just as important um that a sense of humor is just as important uh as being honest, for example. Um and it it probably isn’t. And and then another way of kind of tweaking things is to think is this value something that I need or is it something that I want?
27:25 · And then also, what am I looking for? Am I just looking to get to have fun in a short-term relationship and get things that I want or am I looking for something more long-term in which case I would want to value those things that I need uh in a relationship a lot more uh than just the things that I want. Um and yeah, it’ll change over time. It can change moment to moment. Like you could have one [snorts] bad conversation with someone and suddenly their scores will go way down. Uh, and then you could have a healing conversation and they’ll go right back up again.
27:56 · Um, when you’re first dating, it’s really hard to get a good first impression though. I think people bring uh Chris Rock says, you know, you don’t meet people, you meet their representatives. Uh, and on that first date, it’s even more so. People are nervous and uh they’re trying to put their best foot forward and it’s kind of hard to get to know someone. Uh, my parents always recommended go out on at least three dates uh with someone. uh don’t don’t base too much uh weight on that first uh first time with someone.
28:29 · Great great answers. Now, Charlotte also asked, “What’s the best way to find out if someone you’re dating is going to be loyal, faithful, and and honest?” And I think she’s implying that she’s been burned a couple times by dating people who she thought were really loyal and honest, and then it turned out and faithful that that they were kind of playing around behind her her back. So, what what’s the answer to that uh question?
28:57 · Um, Matt and and and Rhonda, many episodes ago, I talked about how I asked Michael a lot of questions before we started dating. And um, and they were probing questions and the the conversation that what was important was not just his answers, but that he but the how he answered and that he was willing to engage in the conversation.
29:23 · And so those those are particular questions that were important to me. But I would say to Charlotte at some point in the getting to know you to ask the person not a yes or no question, but how many times have ever been in a relationship where you had an affair and didn’t tell the person you’re in a relationship with? And you know, it will be interesting to hear their response and it will be interesting to hear how they um receive that question. But that’s what I would do.
29:52 · That’s great. That’s great, Dave, Ron.
29:54 · But how about just the question? Are you looking for a monogamous monogous, you know, faithful type relationship or more of an an open type of relationship or what, you know, what what what excites you? How about that?
30:11 · I love that question.
30:13 · I like that. And I I I would still say that some people will lie there. Some people will say, “Oh, yeah. I’m looking for something real long-term.” but they’re actually not. And so, a follow-up question can be helpful there, too, is why why are you looking for a long-term relationship? Why would you want to be honest or loyal in a relationship?
30:35 · Yeah.
30:35 · Why not just why not just go after what get get what you want and and and leave?
30:41 · And if someone can have a really compelling answer for why they would want an honest, long-term, loyal, faithful relationship, and you can tell it’s coming from their heart, then I’m much more inclined to believe them.
30:52 · Yeah.
30:52 · The I think there’s another that’s great. Uh that that that’s wonderful. And then I think another thing is is uh learning from life’s experience. And um the I I I I’ve been burned by by believing in sweet talking people who turned out to be uh uh you know kind of have have a side that they were hiding.
31:20 · Um but but one thing o over time you know I’ve I’ve interacted with a lot of con artists and I used to deal with rare coin dealers and uh the buying and selling
31:38 · coins and the the the one rule there is that that you’re you’re dealing with thieves and and you you have to become pretty clever in and and and how and how you deal and how you deal with them and u and fi and find the ones who who who are, you know, honest and uh not not trying to screw you over. But part of it is that there’s this learning process in life.
32:05 · And now I’m I’m really good, I think better than most people at spotting a con artist and u and and telling it’s like when things are a little too good to be true. I was watching that thing last night on TV, Shark Tank, where these people get on and try to sell their their their their company to investors. I don’t know if if you’ve seen that.
32:28 · Yeah.
32:29 · And this young woman came on and and she was so polished and smooth. She was like a a female to Tony Robbins. And they were all these hardcore investors were, you know, listening to her sobbing and and I was thinking I wouldn’t touch this woman with a 10-ft pole. Uh she was just a little a little too good to be true and g gave made me gave me creepy feelings.
32:56 · Um and doesn’t mean that they were right, but I but I’m pretty good at picking up that type of thing. And and so in in dating, that’s why I I I in intimate connections, I urge people to to do a good amount of dating. Don’t try to, you know, find one person and and marry them because you’re so afraid of being alone, but learn to play the field a little bit and and and interact with a lot of people so you can grow and learn and and when a a relationship falls
33:26 · apart, don’t don’t think of it as a failure. Just think of it as I successfully realized that that that wasn’t the person I’m looking for or maybe not even the kind of person I’m I I’m looking for.
33:40 · Yeah, this answer isn’t part of team therapy maybe, but I would also say wait five dates before before you have sex with someone. And that I mean there’s no set rule about when to have sex when dating, but um waiting to include sexual intimacy can really help you figure out
33:57 · who this person is and build an emotional connection and and really figure out the other person’s like true character and maybe filter out people who are only interested in like a casual relationship and somebody who’s interested in a longer term relationship would [clears throat] be willing to wait.
34:15 · Yeah.
34:15 · And I think that’s such great advice, especially for a for a man because I know when I was dating, women were always wanting to one night stands and wanting to have sex.
34:26 · I know. They’re so demanding, these women.
34:29 · Yeah.
34:29 · [laughter] And I told them, “Oh, no. I always wait five at least five dates before I have sex.” And that that really saved me [laughter] from the gonna let let them into your pants that I know. Don’t let anyone let people shouldn’t think that you’re too easy.
34:46 · Yeah. [laughter] Right. [gasps] Well, anyway, um, anything else on this topic?
34:53 · Well, Matt wants to say something, right?
34:55 · Yeah.
34:55 · I’ve got I I really liked what you were saying, David, about just sort of trusting your, uh, your gut. If the hairs start to stand up on the back of your neck, it’s a good time to get out, even if you can’t pinpoint exactly why.
35:06 · Uh, that’s been shown to be very helpful for people. Um, and was part of the training that I received. If you’re in a room evaluating a patient and you start to get kind of scared, even if you can’t explain why you’re scared, just leave the room. Um, and uh the the other thing I would point out is often times people are just in patterns and if you get to know like what are what are their friends like? Do they have long-term [snorts] friends? What were what were their previous relationships like? And why did they end?
35:37 · um and and to see kind of what the what their pattern is like and it’ll probably be similar uh going forward. I I always love the story about the the old man who’s sitting on the on the porch and a stranger comes into town and says, “Hey, what are the people like here?” And he says, “Oh, well, what are the people like in the town where you’re from?” And and the first person says, “Oh, they’re just awful.
36:03 · They’re mean and underhanded and dishonest and and they they try to manipulate you all the time. And and the old-timer said, “Oh, yeah, that’s what they’re like here, too. Yeah, might you might want to move on.” And then a little while later, another person comes in and asked the same question. What are the people like in this town? And the old-timer says, “Oh, well, what are they like where you’re from?” They said, “Oh, everyone’s friendly and and they’re vulnerable and honest and treat each other with a lot of kindness and warmth.” And the old-timer says, “That’s exactly what the people are like here.
36:34 · I think you’re going to love our town.”
36:38 · Um, and and so, oh, and the final thing I’ll say is try to go on a long car trip with somebody. If you’re not sure if you’re able to get along with them, uh, do something that’s challenging and see how you overcome those challenges together. Uh, and if you guys can work through a hardship, a flat tire, getting lost, uh, running out of gas, uh, uh, you know, and just see how how do they treat other people along the way? Are they kind, uh, to someone who’s, uh, needing help?
37:10 · Are they kind to the waiter in a restaurant? Or do they kind of blow people off and treat them badly?
37:16 · Oh, yeah. Yeah, that’s great. Yeah.
37:19 · Okay, that’s all I had to say on that one.
37:23 · Okay. Hey, well that might be a good time to stop. What do you think, David?
37:26 · Yeah, absolutely. And and we thank you, Charlotte, for your kind comments and your your two good questions. And uh and and then Julia for your uh great question on on positive re reframing and uh yeah re really fun t talking to you all. keep the sending your your your questions and suggestions to to us. And we we we love all of you and appreciate all of you.
37:59 · And when we’re recording this, we’re in the Jewish uh holidays of Rashana and Yam Kipper and then we’ve got the the Thanksgiving and Christmas and all of that stuff coming up too. And so uh we we wish you all the best in this um holiday season regardless of your uh religious or spiritual orientation. And and to us it’s it’s spiritual just having the chance to hang out together and and and talk to to you folks.
38:29 · This is our our religion, so to speak.
38:35 · Beautifully said, David. Thank you.
38:37 · Yeah. Thank you.
38:39 · This has been another episode of the Feeling Good podcast. For more information, visit Dr. Burn’s website [music] at feelinggood.com, where you will find the show notes under the podcast page. You will also find archives of previous episodes and many resources for therapists and non-therapists. [music] We welcome your comments and questions.
39:00 · If you want to support the show, please share the podcast with [music] people who might benefit from it. You could also go to iTunes and leave a five-star rating. I am your host Rhonda Barovski, the director of the Feeling [music] Great Therapy Center. We hope you enjoyed this episode. I invite you to join us next time for another episode of [music] the Feeling Good podcast.