Quartz 4

Should-Statements

3 min read

Should Statements

A Cognitive Distortion in which a person uses imperatives (should, must, ought to, have to) to criticize themselves or others, creating guilt, anger, and frustration.

Definition

Should statements are rigid demands about how things “should” be. They come in three types:

  1. Self-directed shoulds → create guilt, shame, and inferiority

    • “I shouldn’t have made that mistake”
    • “I should be a better parent”
    • “I should never feel depressed”

  2. Other-directed shoulds → create anger and relationship conflict

    • “He shouldn’t be so lazy”
    • “She shouldn’t feel that way”
    • “They ought to respect me more”

  3. World-directed shoulds → create frustration

    • “Life shouldn’t be this hard”
    • “Technology shouldn’t be so complicated”

Why They Maintain Suffering

Should statements intensify emotional distress through several mechanisms:

  • Double suffering: First you have the problem; then you tell yourself you shouldn’t have the problem, which creates guilt/shame about the problem
  • Perfectionism: Shoulds often reflect impossible standards that real humans can’t meet
  • Anger and blame: Other-directed shoulds fuel conflict and relationship damage (e.g., “You shouldn’t feel that way” rarely helps someone feel better)
  • Resistance: The more rigidly you demand things be different, the more pain you feel when they aren’t

How Different Frameworks Address It

FrameworkApproach
CBTIdentifies should statements in thought records; questions their validity (“Says who?” “Is that true?” “Where is that rule written?”); replaces with preferences (“I prefer X”)
TEAM-CBTPoints out the should statement as a distortion in Daily-Mood-Log; uses Cognitive-Disputation and Positive-Reframing
REBTFocuses on the underlying irrational belief—the demand that life be different from how it is; disputes the absolutistic thinking; teaches that preferences are rational, demands are not

Special Insight: Hidden Shoulds

Burns notes that not all shoulds are stated explicitly. Hidden shoulds appear as self-criticism:

  • When you berate yourself for making a mistake, you’re implying: “I should be perfect”
  • When you feel inferior, you’re likely telling yourself: “I should be as talented/attractive/successful as others”

Clinical Relevance

Should statements are foundational in:

  • Depression: “I should be able to handle this” (when you can’t, you feel like a failure)
  • Postpartum depression (from Burns’ case): “I should be happy about the baby” (creates guilt when you’re struggling)
  • Relationship conflict: Other-directed shoulds create blame and defensiveness
  • Perfectionism and OCD: Rigid shoulds drive compulsive behavior

Key insight from David Burns in Feeling Great: “Shoulds often reflect the internalized voices of parents, teachers, or culture. They’re not universal truths—they’re demands you’re making on yourself or others. Real change comes from preference, not demand. Replace ‘I should’ with ‘I prefer to,’ and notice how your energy shifts from guilt to motivation.”

The Antidote

  • Identify the should: “What should are you telling yourself?”
  • Question its validity: “Says who? Where is that rule written? Is it actually true?”
  • Replace with preference: “I prefer to do well, AND I can cope if I don’t”
  • Separate preference from demand: Preference creates motivation; demand creates guilt
  • Apply self-compassion: Would you tell a struggling friend they “should” be better? Why the double standard?

Often appears alongside:

  • All-or-Nothing-Thinking — “I should be perfect or I’m a failure”
  • Labeling — “Should statements” often lead to self-labeling (“I’m lazy,” “I’m a failure”)
  • Emotional-Reasoning — “I feel guilty, so I must have done something wrong”

Sources

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